The Barela Family

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There is a tiny, little package. All neat, tied up with a bow. Everything is contained nicely. No one really knows what’s in the inside. From the outside it all looks good. And then something comes along and the package comes undone. The contents spill out. It’s not neat like the outside but a mess. A little of this and that. A lot of this and then there is some of that. But the One who opens this package is not surprised. He knew. For He created the package. He knew when the package would come completely undone. And He sees the mess as beautiful. He gently picks up the package piece by piece and holds it dearly. He holds the fear. The unknown. The anxiety. The insecurity. The tiredness. He holds them  all close.

He is not surprised at all. This is not unexpected. He can handle it.

The package may be undone. It is still a mess. But it is His mess and he sees it as beautiful.

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I am thankful to say that I am in the habit of reading my Bible each morning and taking time to pray. Most mornings I really look forward to my times with God. It’s my time with the One who knows me and knows what my day beholds. I soak it in. One thing that has never come easy is

s  i  t  t  i  n  g   s  t  i  l  l.

To just sit before God and be still is hard for me. To listen intently for voice with out speaking is almost painful for me. It more or less goes something like this…

me talk talk talking

telling God I need this this and this.

I pray for this this and this.

Asking for this this and that.

Tell him this this and that.

And Oh God, aren’t you so excited for me?!?

And on with my day I go. I don’t doubt that He hears my prayers, my cries, my joys. I know he does. And He answers faithfully. But why can’t I just sit with him. And be still.

Why don’t I?

I’m scared. Silence makes me uncomfortable. I just want to keep moving. Keep doing.

But I hear him calling me to stop.

Be still.

Listen.

Will I hear anything? Who knows. But I hear him now. So as scared as I am to be still before the One who loves me unconditionally, who knows me best, who lavishes his love on me over and over again, who is calling me to his side, I am going to do it. And goodness when I put it like that…why am I fumbling and stumbling to get there?

It’s just Him.

My redeemer and friend.

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Coming off a crazy long, draining but good weekend at our church’s womens discipleship walk. Um, yeah. Good stuff. So I’m trying to pull my head above water and get back into action. Until to tomorrow. One of my favorite sayings.

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We have moved quite a bit in our 10 1/2 years of marriage. I’ve had the blessing of meeting lot of new friends. But I’ve also experienced the hardship of saying goodbye to friends. At first, I was not that good. I didn’t want change. I expected friends and friendships to stay the same. I held on real tight, squeezed my eyes shut and hoped for the best. I also killed myself trying to keep up with EVERYONE. As you can imagine, that didn’t go so well. There were unmet expectations, hurt and inevitably there was change.

After some practice, whether I wanted it or not, I’ve learned a few things. I picture a big map with roads of different kinds going in all different directions. Some road are your major highways, strong and steady. Others are your country roads that are there for awhile but then just kinda end. Sometimes roads go under construction. They change direction, need repair, become bigger or smaller. It just happens. At times the terrain is real tough. Other times you are smooth sailing. I am always thankful for new roads being built. Whatever it is, all these road take us some place. They intersect with each other just at the right time.

I view my friendships with people as these roads. There are friends I have that are strong and steady. They are the main roads in my life. Other friends have come and gone with change of location and season of life. I have had friendships look different at different times. I am thankful for new friendships in my life. I love when the Lord allows lives to intersect just at the right time. Although it is hard at times, I’ve learned to trust Him with my friendships. Even in the change, even when friendships are hard and messy. I’ve learned when to hold my friendships close and when to let go. I’ve learned to have an open hand.

I trust that he sees the whole map. He knows where I am going, who will be my side. And best of all He knows the map of my heart.

Today I learned something from my son. Something big.

We were at the gym playing basketball. On the court next to us were 5 boys almost twice the age of Mason playing a full court game. Mason said he wanted to play with them. The protective mama bear in me wanted to say no. I didn’t want him to get hurt or embarrassed. But I said yes. With little hesitation he asked to join their game. And before I knew it he was running up and down the court with the big boys, stealing the ball, making shots and giving high fives! Who is this kid? Yes, I was proud that he was keeping up with the big boys in game. But more than that I was so proud of the confidence exuded. The fact that he was younger or had never really played a full court pick up game did not matter. The small amount of fear he had was pushed aside and he stepped up. Even at this young age he saw what could come out of this was far greater than anything he could lose.

As I sat there giving thumbs up and small waves (trying to look super cool, as to not embarrass him) when he flashed a big smile my way I was thinking how I would have never done that as a kid. I was often intimidated by age and skill level. I let my fears get in the way of trying new things. I think I missed out on some big things.

If I am honest I still struggle with letting fear overcome me. I allow it to inhibit me from doing things or meeting new people. At times I find myself saying no to things if I know I won’t be 100 % at it. If there is a chance of failure or I may make a fool out of myself I am more reluctant to jump in. If I am unsure of what the outcome will be I hold back because I don’t want to look stupid. Yes, these thoughts are all true.

But I am missing out. Where is my security? I pray that it will be in Him, my audience of One. If all else fails, He won’t.

What Mase showed me today, I may be missing out on some really cool opportunities. If he wouldn’t have joined that game today he would have missed out on something really great. Sure, he wasn’t the best player. He made mistakes. But he had fun, he learned some new skills and made new friends. He grew as a person. And he taught his mom something.

Today I learned an invaluable lesson from my six year and I am so thankful.